I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
