Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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