Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
