see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
