I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
