So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
