i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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