I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
