We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
