Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
