soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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