Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
