i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
