I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He shit in the fireplace
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize