Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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