am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
