Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
