I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
