He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
