Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
