and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
