I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
