the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
