Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
