YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
