i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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