He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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