u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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