he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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