Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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