Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
