im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
