I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
