I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
that's an acceptable place to lick
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Randomize