Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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