his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
