I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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