Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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