She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
