OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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