Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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