her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Randomize
