she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So vagazzling was a success
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
