I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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