he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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