Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
