oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
