3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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