I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
