We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
