And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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