I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
