so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
