Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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