The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
