I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
