a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize