remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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