Someone shit on the floor
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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