Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
