I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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