I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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