trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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