"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
