At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
