Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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