Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This toilet bowl is my home.
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