Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
