Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize