he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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