"it" just moved
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
