It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
