one might say we're banned from that church
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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