on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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