hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
